Hooks and Hot Buttons
Conflict hooks are your personal hot buttons. They come from within you, not really from someone else pressing them, though that’s how we generally talk about them (He just presses my buttons). They’re based in your identity, or how you see yourself (and want others to see you) in the world. The idea is that when you perceive a threat of some sort to an important part of your identity, you’re hooked. It may be a real threat. Yet as often as not, it’s a perceived threat…you feel threatened whether or not the other person intended to convey that threat.
We ran through the following exercise as a group with about 18 of us in January 2023. There were some ah ha moments, and some good fun thinking through this difficult topic.
The Hooks:
Competence – you’re hooked when you perceive that someone is questioning your intelligence or skills.
Inclusion – you’re hooked when someone appears to be excluding you in some way (from a group, an event, a committee, etc.) or implies you’re not a good companion.
Autonomy – you’re hooked when someone appears to be trying to control you, impose upon you, or threaten your self-reliance.
Status – you’re hooked when you perceive that someone is threatening or dissing your tangible and/or intangible assets, including power, position, economic worth, and attractiveness.
Reliability – you’re hooked when you perceive that someone is questioning your trustworthiness or dependability.
Integrity – you’re hooked when someone appears to be questioning your moral values or integrity.
(Credit to Tammy Lenski for the foundation of this exercise)
The Exercise:
Your Stories:
Think through 2-3 past interactions/situations where you got hooked. You found yourself in a conflict headed for negative outcomes and had some pretty strong feelings/emotions around it. Something pulled you in. Take a little bit of time here to remember what happened, who did what, what it felt like at the time, and maybe what it feels like now.
On this sheet below, write a title or brief description of each “conflict story” so you remember what they were.
Your Hooks:
With each conflict story in mind, go through the list of hooks on the previous page and identify which one (if any) was most responsible for hooking you. Which was the hook that pulled you in? If there was more than one, note them.
Write down the name of the hook next to each story.
Your Stories and Hooks:
Conflict Story # 1
Your Hook(s)
Conflict Story # 2
Your Hook(s)
Conflict Story # 3
Your Hook(s)
Some questions to reflect on:
o What does it look and feel like when you get hooked?
o Are there hooks you get caught by more often than others?
o Where did you get your hooks and triggers?
o What are some ideas about how to see the hooks before they catch you?
o What about once you’ve already been hooked? How do you get unhooked?
o What kind of hooks does your closest friend have? What about your boss?
o How would knowing others hooks, help you resolve conflicts?
